New Medical Prescription for a Long Life

Laura and I get plenty of grief over our exercise program and diet from friend Mike Van Dyke. He sent to us his new prescription for a long life Mike received from a doctor recently.

Q: Doctor, I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life.  Is this true? A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that is it. Don’t waste time on exercise. Everything wears out eventually.  Speeding up your heart won’t make you live longer. It is like saying you extend the life of a car by driving faster.  Want to live longer?  Take a nap. 

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake? A:  No, not at all.  Wine is made from fruit.  Brandy is distilled wine. That means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way.  Beer is also made of grain.  Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one.  If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? A: Can’t think of single one, sorry.  My philosophy is: No pain…good!

Q:  Aren’t fried foods bad for you? A: YOU ARE NOT LISTENING!  Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil.  In fact, they permeated by it.  How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q:  Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? A: Definitely not!  When you exercise muscle, it gets bigger.  You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q:  Is chocolate bad for me? A:  Are you crazy?  HEL-LO-O!!  Cocoa bean!  Another vegetable!  It the best feel-good food around! 

Q:  Is swimming good for your figure? A:  If swimming is good for your figure, explain a whale to me. 

Q:  Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle? A:  Hey!  ‘Round’ is a shape! 
Well… I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember: A life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways – Chardonnay in one hand – chocolate in the other – body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming “WOO-HOO, what a ride!!”


About jeffjacobsen

Thank you for reading my blog, Here I Stand. You can read all about me, my wife and my family on the Family page. God bless and keep you.
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